Comfortably Numb
Jade
walked into the crowded, smoky room. The
party was going strong. No one really
noticed her at first. “Hey, Kel!” she
shouted to a familiar face in the corner.
Most of the eyes in the room turned to her. “That’s better,” she thought. She strutted across the packed room, aware of
the gazes examining her slim frame – clearly outlined in her form-fitting jeans
and treasured Bon Jovi t-shirt. The
jeans were a little worn, with the occasional loose thread but she was aware
that her ass looked great in them. She
grabbed a beer, plunked herself down between two great looking guys and flashed
them a smile. This is where Jade was at
her best – feeling the glow from a few drinks and with some fine-looking men surrounding
her. It was easy to feel that all was right with the world again. She was at a rocking party with lots
attention directed her way and she felt alive.
She could just about forget the fact that an hour before she had been
alone in her dingy apartment, just about going out of her mind with that purposeless,
lost feeling. A few more drinks and some
more harmless flirting and it would all be okay again. Just the medicine she needed.
Jade
hung on every word uttered by the men on either side of her, as though they were
sharing the most fascinating information she had ever been privy to. To the first she replied “Really? Your truck is that big, shiny black one
outside? I’d love to take a ride in it
one day” and to the other “And you? You
have that hot red convertible? I looove
that car.” Jade really had no interest
in vehicles except as a means to get to the next party but was thoroughly
enjoying the banter between her two suitors as each tried to outdo the other in
the race to impress her. She had a good
buzz going now. She soon grew tired of
the endless chatter about engines, lift kits, and roll bars. With a playful smile, she promised a quick
return and extricated herself from the couch.
She moved across to the other side of the room, oozing sensuality and
shot a flirtatious glance over at another group of men. It was not long before she was rewarded: one
of them made his way over and offered her another beer. He prattled on about something – but really,
the subject didn’t matter to Jade. As
long as his focus was her she felt in control, desirable, and powerful.
Throughout
the night, the pattern continued – many more drinks and many more men
enraptured by her charm. Eventually, the
party wound down and everyone dispersed.
She left with a distinct feeling of accomplishment. She had owned the room. The men had been eating out of her hand.
As
she wandered toward home, however, she became acutely aware that she was going
to be alone in her depressing apartment again.
She easily could have gone home with any number of the men at the party
but she knew better than to trust any of them.
From her drunk of a father who drove her mother away with his beatings
to the boyfriend who had held her by the throat while he raped her – she had
learned her lessons the hard way. She
craved the attention from men but knew better than to let them get close to
her. She would get used to spending her
life alone, she was sure of it. Hadn’t
she been alone most of her life already?
She
opened her door and was greeted by darkness and silence. The apartment felt cold and empty. She quickly changed for bed and buried
herself in the covers. When her eyes
closed, she could feel dark shadows stalking silently toward her. The feelings that she had fought so hard to
eliminate tonight were back, grabbing her by the throat. Her breath quickened. The battle may have only been in her mind,
but it was fierce nonetheless. As
always, she tired from the skirmish first and the despair possessed her as
surely as a demon. She lay, resigned, in
her bed and sobbed. In the darkness as
she lay alone these feelings always came back to haunt her. Finally, mercifully, the combination of booze
and emotional exhaustion finally propelled her to sleep.
The
next afternoon, Jade stumbled from bed with a cotton mouth and pounding
head. She teetered into the bathroom and
glanced in the mirror. The sight of her
puffy red eyes brought it all back – the pain from the night before. But NO!
She would not think of it now.
She turned on her stereo, walked to the kitchen for a beer, and pondered
what she would wear to the party that night.
She would have to do laundry. She
gathered the jeans and beloved Bon Jovi shirt, along with an assortment of
other items scattered throughout the apartment and sorted them for the
wash. With the first load in, she
grabbed another beer and sat on the couch.
Her favourite song was playing – she got up, turned the volume louder
and to the sounds of Pink Floyd’s “Comfortably Numb” she began the process of
forgetting again.
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